Lesson learned today: HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU.
Just thinking about the blowups I’m having with my grandmother everyday, makes me want to burst out in tears! I can still remember I was only in third year high school when Mama left us to help Papa abroad. When she left, I always prayed to God for strength and temperance so that I can take care of my siblings just like the way our Mama took care of us. With the help of my true friends, I managed the onus of taking good care of them until I left them for college. Without the help of my “lola,” I tried to think of ways where I can borrow money whenever Dad and Mom were really short or late of remitting money for us. God knows, my friends know, even my boyfriend at that time knows how hard I was thinking where to get our allowance. Sometimes, I even give my siblings my allowance. Because of that I was known as “buraot,” or what they know as “hingi ng hingi.” Well, what am I trying to say here? I really do not know why there are people who are so insensate and stupid. I really do not know why there are people who only live for money and who, I think, would die for money. Sure, it’s my Mama’s duty to return back the favor to my grandparents, especially my “lola”, who had made Mama go to school. Sure, it’s also Mama’s duty to support her siblings as her being the eldest among them. Sure it is that what Mama’s duty for now is also Papa’s duty until now. But I believe NOT IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. Papa and Mama have built a family of their own and they have also their duties to their children. Now that they are FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE, sure they will prioritize their children above everything else. Sure, I am in a better disposition right now compared to where my siblings belong right now. Sure, I live off with my cordial in-laws and although temperamental, I have a very supportive husband. Sure, I don’t have to worry about the food I’ll be eating and for that of my baby because we have it here, 24/7. Sure, I don’t have to worry about the bills because they all got it shouldered here. But I am very sure that I am not insensitive to what they are persevering. Two of us added in my in-laws family, which makes us five in this house, make that burdensome. In every means, I’m searching for a way to earn and somehow manage to help them in little ways. I signed up for paid to click sites, surveys, paid to read sites or paid to whatever program. I’ve tried them all. Even sell some of my things at E-bay. I’ve tried even if I’m concurrently taking care of my baby, attending seminars at Manila and doing errands for my Papa and Mama. How come they can’t be like that? How can they, my “lola” and my uncle, be so insensitive? Every time I get hold of the memories I have inherited from my “lola,” I inevitably burst out to tears – tears out of anger! She is my incubus. They are my incubi. Sorry, Lord. But here on Earth, they really are. Why are there people like them? I know for sure that this will not be the last issue I’ll be having with my “lola,” there will be more to come. As long as there is money and as long as I am the one who accepts the money, this will not stop. Sure, I have my responsibility with my siblings. Sure, I have full responsibility over myself. But what I know for sure, this is supposed to be a shared responsibility. Why call her “lola” if she doesn’t know the responsibility she has for us? Is her responsibility solely for the money she has to receive? Doesn’t her responsibility include SUPPORT, TRUST, RESPECT and, most of all, UNDERSTANDING? From what I know is through bad times she is supposed to be there for you just like what mothers do. But my “lola” is not like that. She is verily opposite with my Mamang. Sorry for contrasting. My “lola” is so weak when problem comes along. She pretends to be sick and might die when problem comes. I have so many sentiments for her. My “lola” has taken so much from me – the truth, moments that I supposed I must have been happy in my own house, moments that I wished I could’ve enjoyed my teenage days just like what other teenagers do, study and enjoy, and also from being a mother. But she has taught me a lot – how to know responsibility at an early age, how to stand on my own feet, be best when I’m cramming, humiliation because from there I most learned to be strong. I believe quarter of what I am now is because of her, especially the wrong side of me. If ever I am asked what I’ll be thanking my “lola” for, I’m sure about one thing – I’m gonna thank her for birthing my mother who has sacrificed everything for us and that she let Mama be married to one great father we know. Aside from that, nothing more.
Well, life’s too short to hold a grudge. For every minute you’re angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. And knowing that is so terrible. I just thank God because He is good all the time. God gave me Miel. She keeps me seconds from being angry. She lightens up my state for quite some time and makes me grasp that life is still freakin' pulchritudinous. Haha. For me, the best remedy for short temper is a long play with my daughter. She makes me realize to not go to bed when mad, that I should stay up and fight. She makes me realize to get mad, and then get over it because you still got a life to live. We all do.
